Deathbed me is smiling
Occasionally, for fun, I imagine my deathbed.
What would I look back on fondly? My family and our adventures together. All the different versions of myself I’ve been over my life, the places I’ve been, the experiences I’ve had, the business I created.
And what would I regret?
An Unremarkable Feat
I came to work yesterday morning, absolutely buzzing. I’d just done something momentous (in my mind, at least). It would be a strange boast to many, but when I told my coworker, she congratulated me, her eyes lighting up with genuine pride. I told everyone, some people twice, whether they understood the occasion or not, riding an unbelievable high and wringing it for everything it was worth.
I’d driven my son to school.
Sibling Rivalry Gone Mad
The earth goddess Coatlicue (koe-at-lee-kway) was the mother of four hundred sons and one daughter. She probably should have had her feet up for the rest of her life after such a feat, but at the beginning of this tale, she is sweeping a mountaintop. Still doing housework!?! I mean, couldn’t one of her four hundred and one children have given her a hand, or like hired someone for her? Ungrateful wretches.
Making the cheese to pay the bills
My breath fogs my glasses as I scrub the inside of the steel vat. It’s a heated vat in a hot, humid cheesemaking room. The air reminds me of the time I used to take photos of cruise ships in the Panama Canal, except this is more physical. Even if the air was cool, I’d be hot doing this. Once the vat is clean, we cut the curd, break the curd, turn the curd, and again, and again, and again, then it’s milled, all three hundred kilograms of it. Lastly, we pack the curd into moulds. My arms and shoulders burn with the effort, and my back stiffens from the awkward position over the cheese table. It’s my first time making cheese since lockdown
Quest for the Migvie Stone
I tread softly through the graveyard, trying to avoid stepping on any graves. The wind pushes at my back as if urging me forward, but when I nip around the back of the stone church, it abruptly fades, leaving an eerie silence in its wake. A set of nondescript doors stand in front of me. There is no door handle. I place my hand on the faded wood and push.
The fat cheesemaker
The waistband doesn’t make it past my upper thighs. I have a decision to make. Either I put some muscle into it to get them over my hips and accept the possibility I may never get them off again, or I can go with the enormous pair. I am struck with indecision, standing in the hall with the trousers halfway up my legs and getting redder in the face and sweatier by the second.
Scolty Hill - One woman’s triumph over an ‘easy to moderate’ hill trail
“I don’t like you right now,” I said to Richard between gasps. A lady coming down the hill had just looked at me sympathetically, saying, “it’s not much further, dear,” dispelling my notion that I was only suffering on the inside.
The pedestal lowers
“What happened to the card I made you mummy?”
“Some water spilt on it, sweetie.”
A pause. The look in his eye. Another hairline crack in the myth of the all-powerful Mother. She who holds every scribble, every participation certificate, every Lego invention as precious. She who can protect him from any danger.
I became a little more human today.
Return to Scotland - A Visa Success Story
A UPS man arrived at a country house in snow-covered Ontario, only to have a strange woman race up to him with wild eyes. He read the name on the thick envelope and she cried “Yes!” and tore the envelope from his gloved hands. He convinced her she had to first sign for the package before ripping it open, then grinned like a hero while she pressed the package to her chest and exclaimed how happy she was. She would see her family. She would be home for Christmas.
A month without alcohol
Day 7 - My husband makes his Sunday roast, but it’s missing something… what is it… oh yes, a glass of WINE. Who came up with this idiotic idea anyway?
Day 8 - First weekend complete, I pat myself on the back. Or at least I would, but I appear to have gained a bit of weight. Maybe it’s all the chocolate.
Soldiers of Killicrankie
We, the audience, were a real disappointment to the magic juggler who expected a much more enthusiastic crowd, with more lust for danger. Rich and Ozzie did their best to cheer and gasp as appropriate. The magic juggler was either a very good actor, specifically at pretending to be bad (many sharp knives were dropped) or he was a very bad juggler and we were lucky to escape with intact fingers and no unwanted piercings.
Five Reasons to Live In Egypt
We’ve seen moray eels, sea turtles and pufferfish in the Red Sea, we’ve spent many an afternoon playing in the waves of the Mediterranean, we’ve climbed sandy dunes in a 4X4, floated in salt pools, unwound in hot springs and sailed on the Nile. Then there are the historic sites. We’ve touched pyramids dating from as far back as 2500 BC (they were built when mammoths still walked the earth), we’ve visited temples that are ghostly quiet, and we’ve tread softly in ancient tombs, wondering at the intricate paintings and hieroglyphs
A trip to the Siwa Oasis in Egypt
We turn away from the coast and cross an invisible line between green and orange. The UK government advises against all but essential travel here. We are about halfway into our seven-hour-drive from Alexandria to Siwa, an oasis in the Sahara Desert. Every so often we are stopped at a checkpoint and our passports are examined by soldier. Turrets with guns overlook us, a trifle menacing, but the soldiers are friendly enough.